I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
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My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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selena gomez
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot