@CornOnTheGoblin: "someone broke into your room... and peed on you while you were asleep" me: that's right, officer

@Howiesbookclub: Blood oranges at the farmer's market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.

@david8hughes: [puts hand on wife's stomach as baby kicks] Come out here & try that.

@mrtruthandsoul: No, I don't need a bag; I'm gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

@Bob_Janke: Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.