i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
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Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Very good! 👍😂
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”