Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
went fishing caught a bass
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history