Don’t take drugs… for granted.
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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.