Don’t take drugs… for granted.
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I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.