@jazmasta: [loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear] Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS *dad looks up*

@KattWillliams: Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can't afford to eat for a month.

@Bob_Janke: *on walkie-talkies Them: you don't have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

@CanadianCyn: Today is my 18th wedding anniversary. If my husband doesn't give me a divorce as a gift I'm telling his girlfriend.

@Chloestylo: Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried? Me: You mean after I die, right?