@krustythe_klown: A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says "youre going to hell". The bum yells "Damn, Im on the wrong bus" ! :D

@LoveNLunchmeat: You could murder someone in California and they wouldn't even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

@Jc1Johnny: If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria 1. Hair 2. At least one eye 3. A pulse 4. Not that bothered about 1

@TheMichaelRock: Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.

@Westoff123: I'm going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint "Welcome to chicago" on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.