Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
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When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
My time has come.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with