@TheTweetOfGod: Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all horrible sinners and you're going to hell.
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@aveuaskew: You said you couldn't live without me, so it's very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
@KalvinMacleod: DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span ME: that's hard to believe DOCTOR: are you checking your phone? ME: what?
@Ideal_Victoria: I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I'm pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
@Pro_Jones_: (Job Interview) Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself. Me: I'm unemployed. I: How about something personal? Me: Personally I need a job.