@TheTweetOfGod: Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all horrible sinners and you're going to hell.
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@MikeZakarian: Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order...with pictures.
@Brianhopecomedy: "Dadd-" "No." "You don't even know what I was going to say!" "You're wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No."
@rockymomax: ME: what's wrong girl? LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well* ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
@LegoGodzilla: [first date] GIRL: When you said "fitness freak" in your profile, this isn't what I expected HALF-MAN/HALF-TREADMILL: It was an old photo