Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I ate everything, including the H.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
don’t we all
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.