Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
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At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
never forget
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”