Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
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Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.