@Schmoodles: Don't talk to me about your drinking problems until you've tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.
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@NicestHippo: WIFE: He thinks he's a news anchor DOCTOR: Is this true ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]
@p_net: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I'm behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Can we go get ice cream? Me: It's freezing outside. 4: I know. It won’t melt.