Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
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My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse