@Schmoodles: Don't talk to me about your drinking problems until you've tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.
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@SortaBad: "wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is" *waits literally 4 seconds* "oh there look at that he said his name how convenient"
@crocodilethumbs: Jesus: Time for a miracle! Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch Jesus: Puritan: Jesus: who likes fish
@NotMarkAllen: [cutting through Brazilian jungle] *finds indigenous village* Hi, I'm a Prime member. I'd like to complain that my shipping took three days.