If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
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I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead