Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
You Might Also Like
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
How dude HOW?!
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Velcrow
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.