@markhoppus: DON'T TELL ME CAGE CAN'T BE THE ELEPHANT'S NAME BECAUSE THERE'S NO COMMA WHEN THERE'S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!
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@Ygrene: Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
@IamEnidColeslaw: RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN'T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I'M PREGNANT
@twelveoclocke: It's impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store
@mjkspeaks: [at airport] TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search. ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning