@markhoppus: DON'T TELL ME CAGE CAN'T BE THE ELEPHANT'S NAME BECAUSE THERE'S NO COMMA WHEN THERE'S NO COMMA IN FROSTY THE SNOWMAN!!!
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@LurkAtHomeMom: Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you're not required to keep it forever, like they can't arrest you if u throw it out.
@WheelTod: [Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon] Her: You looked different in your profile picture. Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
@matt___nelson: Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: "Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner" *centipede walks in* "You've got to be kiddin me"
@Pork_Chop_Hair: My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!! Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)