me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
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My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife