Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.