Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
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Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny