@shutupmikeginn: Don't tell me I look tired unless you're offering to carry me
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@XplodingUnicorn: I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say "no."
@jasonmustian: "Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
@jake_likes_naps: [astronaut test] Before you begin, questions? [hand raised] "Is it true the moon is cheese?" Are you that damn mouse again? [mouse runs out]
@QwertyJones3: I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I'm gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.