@shutupmikeginn: Don't tell me I look tired unless you're offering to carry me
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@DadandBuried: My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he's got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
@daplusk: [date] Me: Have you ever had it so deep your toes curl? Her: No, I'd love that Me: [pulls out 15th century poetry book] get ready Her: um
@0point5twins: STUDENT: what's it like being drunk? TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12. STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
@ericsshadow: My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment 'our love is priceless' for under $75?