@shutupmikeginn: Don't tell me I look tired unless you're offering to carry me
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@nolifecoach: If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
@InternetHippo: GOD: I designed this world with a purpose, why did u change everything PEOPLE: We— [pug walks by] GOD: What…the HELL…is that
@Rollinintheseat: Kid: "I want to be a doctor when I grow up." Mom: "You can't. Your hands aren't cold enough."
@MrAdamBez: What do you mean I've had enough to drink?!! Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.