Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Who chose this font
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.