DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
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Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”