jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.