Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
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I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Message from the dog groomers
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.