Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
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My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.