Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours