Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
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Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Found the job I’m suited for
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed