Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
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Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
crying
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.