Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.