Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
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[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”