@1Happytwit: Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
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@DurtMcHurtt: My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I'm going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
@flashember: ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse FRIEND: the horse isn't Hoofy or something? ME: grow up Kalvin
@Merman_Melville: At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
@JessObsess: [drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can't we go back to how things were? OBAMA: How did you get this number?