Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.