Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
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can’t believe I got front row seats
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day