Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*