Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money