[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
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“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)