I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
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“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!