@lovemydogduck: Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey
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@jctwritesstuff: *sets up tent* *unrolls sleeping bag* *tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows* Waitress: Umm... Me: I'll have the endless chips and salsa. Waitress: But you can't-- Me: --I LIVE HERE NOW
@shkeeber: Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
@Brampersandon_: [Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship] *down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands* MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
@michaelajeffery: Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.