@lovemydogduck: Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey
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@DanMentos: *gets home from game* "whoa what happened to your eye" I was on the Kiss Cam "oh she wasn't into it?" with the t-shirt cannon guy's daughter
@droidbears: greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
@BeardedSteel: Cat: Lame. Just lame. Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know. Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home. Me: ...ok
@skitzoette: Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion. Totally ruined Grandpa's 90th birthday.