@lovemydogduck: Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey
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@Brampersandon_: BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I'm gonna have you take a typing test. LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
@Reverend_Scott: Fun Fact: The human brain isn't able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
@iamburtjarvis: [confessional] me: father, gooey naan. father: what's gooey naan? me: nothing much. what's goin' on with you?
@stephenjmolloy: [bill gates house] Bill: What's on at the cinema? Wife: Let me google it and- *terrified look at bill* Wife: Let me bing it and see.