@lovemydogduck: Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey
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@kevinrowe1: I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
@gorrdano: I've replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I've ever done but it's ok, I'll rob him when he's dead.
@Kalarlis: should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room
@dragonsorbet: Cute girl: omg I love this bread [At the next table] Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body