Me driving through Toronto
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Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words