Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people