(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
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King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
estão todos miauvindo?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
They did not miss in the small print
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?