Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.