Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
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Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
They’re not wrong
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Krampus.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS