@funnyordie: Don't trust anybody who owns a working printer.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won't be majoring in history.
@KyleMcDowell86: *pulls fire alarm in apt building* *everyone runs outside* [Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
@TheBoydP: [Carnac the Magnificent] Donald Trump Hannibal Lector Liver and fava beans *opens envelope* "Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner"
@internetluke: [looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground] It doesn't say its specifically for babies, Karen