Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
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Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?