@CheryeDavis: Don't trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
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@_NTFG_: Asked a vegetarian if she'd heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
@Matt_The_1st: Me: "Hey doc, what's that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?" Doctor: "40"
@NicestHippo: We'd love to offer you the job [My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250★ tweet! ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won't be needing to work anymore