Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
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Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.