“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
You Might Also Like
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no