Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.