Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day