Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.