Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
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Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Stop.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.