When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
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My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit