Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
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If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
saw this in a dream
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]