*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
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My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.