Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question