Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
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[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking